Val End Times
Valentine's Day is a very emotive day. The vivid or faint evocation of emotions shifts one’s atmosphere whether good or bad.
In these first eighty-eight days post my father's transition from time to eternity; I have been a cluster of crying, neuron chemical pulsations that provoke liquid streams to flow without control or warning from the windows of my soul. Anything can be a disruptor of my dry places or stimulate unrest and challenge my proverbial peace that outweighs my understanding. It could be a song or a sappy sentimental movie that has me hiding out weeping privately in my bedroom where only God is aware of my life reflections, pained heart, and sorrows. And please don’t add to the sums of pandemic deaths, tragedies, and the evolution of friends and loved ones that will no longer rotate around the sun in this thing we call the circle of life. I tell you the truth, Death has been more than a notion, to say the least.
My dad’s best friend died a couple of hours after he did and I’d already lost one of mom’s oldest friends 29 days before my father's earthly departure. My oldest friend’s mother died on Christmas morning. And my friend’s mother would not witness the birth of her first great-granddaughter a few weeks later on this side of glory.
My Goddaughter’s grandfather died exactly one month after my dad’s DOD and ironically they shared the same birthday. Then her mother passed on January 11th, 41 days after her grandfather flew away to glory. Sigh!
Let’s not talk about a church member who died due to complications of COVID while battling cancer, leaving a grieving only child and her two confused grandchildren. She was their rock.
My surrogate big brother just turned 70. He hit the “promise” of three scores and ten and now every bit of his living from here on out will be based on his own strength and zest for life. When did we get here where formidable life’s challenges and decisions affect outcomes? This scares me even more because my nephew, his son, is quite ill. Life is getting uber real and my Valentines are becoming more like Val End Times! And though I have scarcely scratched the surface of my myriad of sorrowful emotions, this 10-ounce muscle called my heart is still beating, yearning, and pining for joy. I am still engaged in the beginnings, present, and in the meantime of living. My great-grandparents, maternal and paternal grandparents are gone. And with the death of my father, I am orphaned. Daddy chose to be with “his lady”, my mom giving up the ghost after being a widower of four years. This year his heavenly Valentine’s Day should be off the chain as he peruses the gardens of heaven with his beloved Bertha. And I will be intentional about mine. No, I will never send flowers, cards, or fruit baskets to Ash Avenue, 23rd Avenue, or Missouri Rd. again. And I will never call and make small talk, banter, send texts, receive or send a Love, Like or make a Facebook comment to my beloveds. And never will I be able to laugh with them again. But their memories still have the ability to move me by their wisdom, legacy, and their larger-than-life spirit that transcends space and time. In those times I will reflect or share their witty repartee, tales, and parables to my children and God willing, my children’s children. I will cry as needed for that is the price you pay in exchange for this thing called love or so I’ve been told. And besides… they merit that honor as Ancestors to be spoken about, felt, and revered throughout the annals of time.
I will pray to cherish those who are still here knowing there are no more generational buffers that hinge between myself and death. I am the last one standing in the four-generation picture of my teenage self, flanking my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. My daughters and I will create new photos and I pray to one day be that great grandmother in our own four-generation photo. I will smile through my tears, grateful for the wisdom, life, and death knowing that my daddy taught me well. He said to me on one of those days when my mom’s absence was pushing him to make sense of that which broke his heart. “All good things end except eternal life which God has promised us.”
And so there are still a vast amount of people to pour into, relationships to improve and sustain, and undiscovered joys that will create new Valentines in my life despite Val End Times. I will be grateful, prayerful, and pace myself to run this race with patience. The challenge to Triumph Over Grief is even more formidable for many reasons and on many various levels. But I press towards the high mark and submit to the process.
To those who are haunted by beauty, pain, and problems of their end-times with loved ones, please know there is purpose in the pain. And even as I am closing this post I have just learned that Auntie Linda of Canada, my two daughters’ great aunt died just two hours ago. She was a great matriarch in the Davis family. I greatly respected her. Rest in Peace beloved and Rise in Power. You were such a funny Valentine. Let us all seek love and peace in the aftermath of our great losses. We are blessed to be loved and have experienced love. Happy Valentine's Day to All.